There is this part of solo-parenting that I never thought about until I was doing it. It isn't just the physical doing, every single task that needs to be taken care of by now just one person. For me, the day to day tasks are physically taxing, but the weight of being solely responsible for the upbringing of my kids is overwhelming. When there are two parents in the equation, whether they are a couple or not, there is a person to bounce ideas off of, a person to discuss big decisions with, a person to tag in when you are at your wit's end. A solo parent doesn't have that, they don't have another parent to lean on. They don't have a partner to celebrate them on days like today. Now, I am blessed enough to have people in my life that help my kids pick out gifts for me, who buy me flowers, and text me encouraging messages, and for that I am grateful. Still there is a weight, there are the questions, the wondering--"am I doing enough? Are my kids ok? Is this the best course of action?" I don't think Mark asked himself those things, if he ever did, he didn't tell me. He was a confident parent, he always seemed so sure of himself. Sure that he knew when to correct and when to embrace, or somehow knew how to do both at the same time.
Recently, I have been wishing he was here, here not just for the day to day, but to ask "how should we handle this? What should I say to her? Will you help me come up with a plan?" But, Mark isn't here, I am. So, I am doing this parenting thing, alone, which was never in the plan. While I have always pictured myself as a mother, it was never as a single parent, ever. I wish God wouldn't have put me in this situation, but because He has, that means He has equipped me.
This morning at church I let my little kids stay with me, which I don't usually do, but in some way I think it was God's Mother's Day gift to me. During worship I was able to look over and capture the moment in the attached video. To see my son, Hezekiah, singing along to the song "Waymaker," with joy for the Lord in his heart. And I realize that no matter how I feel like I am doing in this task of raising my kids, no matter how drained I feel, or how hard it is to fit everything in, I am accomplishing my most important task. The most important task of raising children who know Jesus, children who trust God, children who shout out songs of worship. If I am able to wake up in the morning and walk through the day teaching my children that Jesus died for them, that He loves them unconditionally, then I am doing my job. On this Mother's Day I simply pray that my children know and believe in the God who makes a way, who works miracles, who lights up even the darkest of moments and never stops working.