Today I put on my rings and I went to the cemetery. The cemetery is where my husband Mark’s physical body lies. His physical body failed him 4 years ago today. First his heart and then eventually his brain. His death was completely unexpected and changed my world forever. More than just mine, my children too, and many others, however as I lay her now at the cemetery and think about everything that is different I wonder how many of those people who mourned at the time are still mourning now, I wonder if they even know what today is. So many things have changed in the four years since he took his last breath, since I stood by his side and watched them take away the machines that kept him “alive.”
Now I live in a house that he has never walked through the front door of, with a driveway he never came home and parked on, and a yard he had a snowball fight in with the kids. I drive a car that he has never ridden in, never chosen the music for the drive, with a steering wheel his hands never gripped. I make every decision in life, big or small without him there to consult. I put our kids to sleep or drop them off at school without a goodbye or a goodnight from him. I discipline them without his back up or support. I celebrate their moments without his cheers, smiles or laughs. So much can change, and time is a thief. Samara barely even spoke when Mark died, she wasn’t even two. She starts kindergarten this fall and speaking is her favorite activity. Hezekiah wasn’t yet in school and now at 7.5 he thinks he is some sort of tough guy. Aaliyah is still her goofy, silly self, filled with joy, but now she has a layer of sorrow that she takes with her everywhere. Amaya was still nervous to stay home alone when Mark died and now she has her license and is about to be a senior in high school. And Mark isn’t here. At least not in the natural. I tell them he sees, I tell them he knows, I tell them he loves, just from heaven now.
Almost everything seems different, but there are some things that are the same. Our children still have his eyes, all of his irritating traits and most of his great ones. My heart still belongs to Mark Thomas, not one has come close to compare. My mind is still occupied by his words. My soul still longs to be near his. My future still doesn’t seem right without Mark as my partner, and I don’t know if it ever will. And yet, my foundation is still firm because the God I serve is still the same. He has never failed me. His faithfulness still remains, His promises are still true, His love, grace and mercy has not left. Even on the worst of days during these 4 years the God who created the universe has heard my cry and He has answered me. His presence is unmistakable , His word is infallible. His Spirit has not departed from me. His sacrifice on the cross is still my greatest hope, because it allows for eternity. An eternity that my beautiful husband is already living, a reward he has already received, a glory he is already sharing in. Of this I am sure, and it allows me to move forward, no matter how much changes and no matter how much stays the same. I lost my Marky 4 years ago, but oh what joy that he is not truly lost, but found in Christ.
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