A struggle

I’ve been struggling for a few weeks now, and it’s not for any reason I can really name. Somehow I am entrenched in feeling helpless in controlling anything. I have been overwhelmed, over stimulated, short, unfocused, a little panicky, my nervous system isn’t doing the job I want it to. (Which is basically to shut down all my feelings and let me power through as usual)

I feel like no matter what I do, the kids want to rebel, or defy. And I sit here frustrated, asking God how I am doing this alone. Asking God what I could be doing wrong.

I go to work, and I do my job in an ethical and professional manner and things still don’t turn out right. I sit at my desk and read emails about how I essentially cost my company $30,000 even though I didn’t do anything “wrong.” I end up being the bad guy in every circumstance. I worry about where the future is headed and if I can continue to put up with what I need to everyday.

I hate that the people who come in my office everyday can read my face, and they say “what’s wrong? Are you ok? You look tired?” But it’s not something I can explain. I hate that one particular person can read me like a book and asks, but I know I can’t let them be an emotional support. So then I am mad that they even asked.

I hate that my kids know I am off, they ask me why I don’t eat. And I don’t know what to say because the only answer is that I am terrified of the future and my whole body feels anxious. I can’t control what happens next.

So I just say I am fine, which is really a lie. Because I’m not, not at all. But there isn’t anything anyone can do, and no I don’t actually want to talk about it. And no, please don’t touch me because i will probably cry.

I am doing the only things i know to do. I control what I can. I practice my breathing. I make the phone calls. I move my body. I choose worship music. I make sure I am in the Word. I pray. I make dinner for my children. I force myself to eat, even if it’s a few bites. I go to sleep early hoping that my brain will turn off and let me sleep. I wake up and I do it again. I am trying desperately to lay it all at the feet of Jesus and remind myself that I am not in control, but He is. I can’t move forward in my own strength, but when I am weak, He is strong. I can’t control what happens next for my kids, my relationships, my workplace, but if nothing goes right I have to remember that my God has brought me through so much worse. He has a plan and purpose for me. I can trust Him to provide for me, to prepare me but also to be with me, in celebration or despair. I think about how I have taught on this exact thing. About how I know the answer. God is still who He says He is. I need to remember what He says, what He has done. There is no way for me to be anxious and grateful at the same time. My feelings are not wrong but that doesn’t make them true. So I need to look at my life and ask “where do I see the goodness of God?”