New Beginnings

The thing about me that drove Mark the craziest is that I am independent. He couldn't always handle that I made my own decisions, that I wanted a say in most everything that would impact our life, that I didn't ask for help. You see my hubby preferred to be a knight in shining armor, and I didn't need saving. Occasionally this would mean he would find someone to "save" other than me, a roller he would take under his wing, a young man seeking sobriety, etc. He wanted me to need him. Now 5 years after his death, I think back and I can see how my day to day independence resulted in him being able to check out of the tasks that our life required, because he figured I had it covered. I don't want to place blame on him nor on myself, it's just the reality of our situation.

So Mark dies, so completely out of the blue, leaving me devastated but definitely not incapable. The exact trait that Mark found so difficult about me is precisely the one I needed to survive the new situation I was in. My independence, which I blame entirely on my mother (Love you Mom), prepared me for being the sole decision maker, prepared me to be the provider, prepared me to handle everything regardless of that feeling that I didn't want to get out of bed. I don't say this to give the false impression that I didn't have help and support, because I did, I had people show up for me in incredible ways. But when everyone went home, it was me and the 4 kids, making it through day by day.

And I realize that I didn't need Mark. I wanted him, I loved and still do love him deeply. But all I really need is me and God, if I have God all will be well (at some point that is). While I grieve still today, I have a life that I love. So much has happened since 7/30/2020 when my husband breathed his last (mechanically assisted) breath. Samara turned 2 that first birthday without her Dad. She turns 7 in a month and a half. Both Hezekiah and Samara started school. Aaliyah graduated 5th grade, and is about to enter high school this year. Hezzie started organized sports, and absolutely loves them, but I see his struggle to be the dad-less kid on the field and the court. Amaya went through hell and back, but started and graduated high school, beginning college classes this fall. We moved out of our house and into a new one. We traveled to Florida twice, Chicago once, and all the way to Yellowstone National Park. I totaled by car and purchased a new one, one that Mark never and will never sit in. Even small things like the vacuum we got for our wedding going out, they have happened, and we have survived.

I would like to say that we have more than survived, that we are doing well. All the kids are fed, and loved, and kind and smart. They love to be outside, and most days love each other well. And their mom, well I went back to work 2 weeks after Mark died and quickly doubled my responsibilities, going on to win a MADACs award the following year. I began speaking and teaching, with Mark's Eulogy as my kick off. I live a rewarding life. I have it all handled. I don't need a man. I still grieve, for what I lost, for my children. But Mark doesn't need my grief, he has all that he needs in heaven with the King of Kings.

The problem is, the loneliness is creeping in. I am discovering more and more everyday that I was wrong when I assumed I would want to stay single. I can do this life alone, but I don't want to. I would like to share the weight. There is a Chris Stapleton song that goes

"Give me your darkest hour

Give me your deepest fear

Just give me a call and I'll be here

Give me the bars and chains that won't set you free

Give me the weight of your world

And lay it on me"

I don't know that I have ever actually done that, I don't know that I even did it with Mark. But I realize that is what I want, a person who is strong enough to hold the weight of my world. And man alive that is a high calling, and I have a really high standard. I am not sure that anyone will ever quite meet it. But as I go into the 6th year without my husband, I feel like its a time of new beginnings. A time when I have become, through the pain and the tears and the refining someone new.

I reflect on a Bible verse that I have loved forever, I remember finding a notecard with it on there, I probably wrote it in 6th grade, of course never imagining the suffering I would go through. But God knew, and He began preparing me by putting His word in my heart. I read it now and trust that God still has something for me, and maybe even someone.

1 Peter 5:10 "¹⁰ And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."