As I sit here on the living room floor and contemplate what the year 2020 brought I have such a multitude of feelings, they are difficult to sort through. I am reminded that times like this it is so important to declare what is true over what I feel. My feelings would tell me that 2020 was the worst year of my life and that nothing good could have come from it, that losing Mark cancels out any joy or goodness. But, what do I know to be true?
I know that 2020 brought another year of life to me, that I turned 29 this year. I know that in January I had a health scare that turned out to be nothing. I know that in January Mark and I fought far less than the month prior. I know that in February I was promoted to a new position with an increase in pay. I know that in March when the world shut down I still had a warm home to live in. In April I was reminded that life is short and to appreciate those around me, the kids were home with Mark for a few weeks and got to spend extra time with him. I know that God provided for our family even through Mark not working. I know that Mark realized a long term dream of starting his own business in May. In June Amaya became an official teenager. July 4th I was able to watch Mark put on a firework show for our kiddos, and listen to him talk about how important it was to make it memorable for them. I know that in August God placed a new purpose in my life; the purpose of declaring Mark's testimony and learning how mine will interweave with his. I know that in September I was able to experience how truly cared for our family is, as people continued to reach out, to check in and to pray. In October I ran the marathon I had been training for before Mark died, and I finished! We finished October with Aaliyah turning 10. I know that in November I was thankful for Auntie Hazel that made sure I could prepare a Thanksgiving meal with some of Mark's favorites. Here we are in December and I think about what I know.
I know that God is always working. I know that God is for me. I know that I still have a life to live here on earth, and I know that when I leave the earth my eternity will be with Christ.
I feel like starting a calendar year that Mark didn't live in will be hard, but what I really know is that my Marky is alive! He is alive in heaven, living an existence far more fulfilling than anything this earth has to offer. Do I long for him to be here with me? Of course. But God reminds me of his truth, that He is always with me. As long as I am near to God I can still be near to Mark because he is present with God. In 2021 God will still be working, and I pray that when I look back on it in about a year I will be able to recognize all of the goodness He bestowed upon me. I pray also that you will continue, or perhaps begin to recognize God's goodness in your life.
Psalm 46:5
God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.