It has been a rough few weeks on my head and my heart. I have been consumed with sadness, worry and hurt.
In the world of widowhood they talk about secondary losses. Of course the primary loss you experience as a widow is the loss of your spouse, but for many that loss is followed by related losses. It could be the loss of financial stability, their home, loss of in-laws, loss of couple friends, etc. It could also be less tangible losses; the loss of time alone, loss of intimacy, loss of confidant, loss of emotional regulator, or the loss of someone to make decision with.
When I am having a hard day or in this case a hard few weeks I really feel the loss of my confidant and emotional regulator. As much as people might like to think that other friends or family can fill in the space of a spouse in these areas, I haven't found that to be true. My Marky was always the safe space to fall into on my hard days. I could call him in the middle of the day and have him talk me down from quitting my job right then and there. I could tell him all of the things I would have been ashamed to say to anyone else, the things you don't even know if you really mean, but you feel them in the moment. He would hear me out, he would keep my confidence, he would even correct me or redirect me when he knew I was in the wrong. But at the end of the day he loved me regardless, he knew my heart, he gave me the benefit of the doubt.
While I have friends and family that will hear me out, that will listen to me cry or complain, it doesn't compare. I am missing my sounding board, my best friend, my other half. I miss Mark trying to fix situations by meddling, or if necessary cussing someone out that did me wrong. Mark always had my back, like no one else in the world does. Now that he isn't here, I carry the weight of my feelings, my pain, my confusion on my own. This weight is so heavy, it feels so debilitating. I can feel my nerves shortening, I can hear the tone of my voice changing, I can feel my body taking the toll. I sit with all of this and I try my best to remember that my God says "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. ~ Isaiah 43:2"
I have only one option in this situation and that is to ask God to be my strength, to run to him again and again and again. Tonight as I sit overwhelmed with sadness I have had a song run through my head, "Run To The Father" by Cody Carnes. You can listen to it by clicking the link below, but the lyrics go:
"I run to the Father
I fall into grace
I'm done with the hiding
No reason to wait
My heart needs a surgeon
My soul needs a friend
So I'll run to the Father
Again and again and again and again"
The Father can repair my heart, it is safe in His hands.