I am home alone tonight, I have been since last night. It is so incredibly rare that I am alone, when you are solo-parenting there is always a child in need of something. Even hiding somewhere in the house is nearly impossible. However, tonight Amaya and Aaliyah are at their mom's and Hezekiah and Samara are camping with family. On the rare occasions I find myself home alone my mind will usually wander to how much Mark and I would have loved to have a day, an evening, or even just a few hours alone. I usually play out the options of how we would have spent our time. Honestly, this blog is not really the appropriate place to talk about what we would have been using our empty house for, so I will just say we were always in need of some alone time. Well, as you know, Mark isn't here to spend time with me, so I had to figure out how to occupy my time on my own.
One of the things I decided to do was to go see a movie, I don't mind going places alone, so I wasn't worried about feeling down. I decided to see the new musical "In The Heights." The theater was more crowded than I expected and my seat ended up being right next to a couple that appeared to be in their early 60's. They didn't speak much, but I could tell that they knew what the other was thinking before they even said anything. The ad for AMC stubs came on and after a moment of silence, the wife leans over to her husband and says "I know, they say free upgrades, but you pay for the membership when you sign up." Then later during the previews the preview for West Side Story comes on, after it airs the woman whispers "December?" and her husband says "you can't wait can you?" The woman must have loved musicals, and of course her husband knew this. During the film the woman was clearly moved by the story, I noticed her husband fidgeted in his seat, almost as if he was just waiting for it to end. I thought to myself that he was just there for her. He likely would have chosen a different movie if he were alone, but this is what she wanted to see, and then I was sad.
I was sad to know that I had lost that. Mark and I had so many interests that didn't align, so many differences, from movies and music, to food. If I wanted to see a musical Mark would have gone with me, not because he wanted to see it, but because it was me. I didn't used to appreciate just how much my husband loved me. I forgot to stop and notice as he stared at me across the room. I would be irritated if he interrupted what I was doing to pull me in for a kiss. Now, in his absence I long for just one more opportunity to thank him. I know that I was an answered prayer for Mark, he longed for a wife, and when he found me he made it happen. I know that even though he knew God delivered me to him that he was terrified. Mark was terrified that he would screw it up, and he tried to run more than once. He never actually left, and I know its because he loved me. He talked about me when I wasn't in the room, he would lock eyes with me across a crowded space and nod, and he would defend me even if my big mouth was what got me into conflict. That man would have given his life for me, no matter the circumstances, and I never once doubted that. He used to say to me "Megan, I love you so much that I would drink your bathwater." I always thought it was such a disgusting saying, but that is some serious love. Oh what a pain it is to lose that level of love. Mark thought I was beautiful regardless how I looked. He would always give me the last of whatever food or drink he had. He would reassure me that I was a good mom, when I doubted everything about my adequacy. He thought I was weird, goofy, too independent, little bit stuck up, way too stubborn, but also incredible. Mark looked at me and he saw a woman; forgiven and free, a child of God, a valuable possession, and his wife for better or worse.
Mark didn't get it right all of the time, neither of us did, but oh to be loved by him is one of the things I treasure most about the world. I wish that we could have carried that love longer, long enough for our children to marvel at, long enough to dispel onto our grandkids. I pray that our children will find that kind of love, the kind of love orchestrated and nurtured by God.
If you are blessed enough to have a love like this, please don't take it for granted. Use your words to tell the person, acknowledge how incredible you think they are. Accept the love that someone gives to you, believe them when they tell you. Take a minute and let yourself feel it, feel the security, feel the warmth, feel the trust.
Marky, I miss you. If you were here with me now, I promise I would even have changed your diapers.