I fear that the memory is fading away.

There was a day or so before Mark’s funeral that the girls and I did a private viewing at the funeral home. I remember so vividly that Aaliyah asked me if it was okay to kiss him. I answered her that it was. And I stood there staring at his body lying in the casket and the only desire I had was to climb up and inside to lay next to him. I recall considering that perhaps I shouldn’t bury him, but keep him at home. It sounds crazy now, but there in that moment it was rational. For maybe, if his body wasn’t buried I would find comfort in him being near. At the burial Hezekiah laid his body next to the casket, you could feel the pulling of his heart to be close to his daddy. As I remember the moment, still if they wouldn’t have filled the hole with dirt I think I would drive to the cemetery to crawl in. After all this time he seems so far away, almost like a dream. Will I forget the smell of his skin? Or the texture of his hands? Will his laugh and his voice become unfamiliar? Is there a way to freeze time, and just sit in the vivid memories of life with him?

My Mark is no longer living on earth, he is far from me, but he is in the closeness of God. If I can remain in the closeness of God does that also mean I am in the vicinity of Mark? Will God grant me that privilege, the privilege to be looked upon by my husband? The privilege to have him brush by me in the supernatural? I do not know all of the heavenly ways, but I can maintain a level of hope in the mystery. As well as a level of hope in the assurances of God. Lord, I pray that you can make it well within my soul.



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