I am sitting here on the floor in my room, crying. I lost a friend about a year ago. She is still alive, she just isn't mine anymore. Irreparable differences, is that the phrase? One day we were best friends, and then we broke up. There hasn't been a word since. Maybe an inquiry between mutual acquaintances, but we haven't spoken. I miss her. I have noticed it in my body. Any loss, in my experience comes with a level of trauma, and I am feeling the trauma. It's hard for me to process how it happened. But it doesn't really matter, because it's not going to change. Honestly, I don't want it to. This loss is for the best. I pray it's for her best too. I don't know if that's true.
Still, I miss her. I miss the woman who was my friend. The person I could call when my husband ticked me off. The friend that always took my kids without a question. The mom who would relate to me when I couldn't take another minute of these crazy kids. The fellow wife who always encouraged me to spend time with my hubby. The woman who was always in the kitchen and would deliver me fresh baked goods on the holidays. I miss the dinner dates and family time, and inside jokes. The pain can sneak up, feeling fresh, even though the hurt was a year ago.
The thing is that I do have so many wonderful friends that can fill in this gap, and do, every day. But, sometimes your heart longs for someone you cannot have. I say this all to say that loss is loss. And to lose a second very important person in my life, not to death, but gone nonetheless, sometimes makes me feel broken. In my sadness, I feel God telling me that not everyone is meant to be with you forever, that some friendships are only for a season. If I have learned anything at all, it's that I have to trust Him to determine my steps. So, I sit here, and I cry, but I also trust.